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The complete survivalist's guide
to learning Japanese as a student in Japan

By C. E. West

Part I - Preparation

            So you want to go to Japan to learn Japanese.  First, you must prepare yourself for the task.  It is a good idea to take at least a semester or two of Japanese before going so you don't have to rely completely on English the first few months living in Japan.  The English trap is almost impossible to dig oneself out of once you fall in.  It gets easier and easier to accept the broken English thrown at you by the Japanese if it means you don't have to put out the effort to speak Japanese to them. 

            Focus first on pronunciation.  Pronunciation is important. Anyone who says that it is more important to be able to get your point across than to have correct grammar and pronunciation is WRONG.  The order is this: pronunciation, grammar, and fluency.  If you learn to speak with bad grammar or an accent, you are a lost cause.  Time and effort is important.  If you aren't willing to put in both, you are lazy and should stay home.  Once you've got the pronunciation more or less down, and are working on grammar, start expanding your vocabulary by learning adjectives first.  You can answer almost any question with an adjective.  Later, learn some adverbs to add variety to your answers.

            Next, go to the video store, and get some preparatory viewing materials:

• Planet of the Apes (1968, Charlton Heston)
  It will actually make far more sense after coming back from Japan.

• Mr. Baseball (1992, Tom Selleck)
  A somewhat exaggerated look at what boneheaded things us foreigners do.

• Gung-Ho (1986, Michael Keaton)
  Aside from the fact that this is actually a great movie, albeit forgotten, it gives an interesting look into the giant Japanese companies of the 1980's and their opinions of the lazy Americans.

• Shall We Dance? (1997, Koji Yakusho, Takenaka Naoto)
  An interesting if somewhat idealized look at contemporary Japanese life.

• Adrenaline Drive (1999, director: Shinobu Yaguchi)
  An interesting if somewhat abstract and bizarre look at contemporary Japanese life.

• Grave of the Fireflies (1988, director: Isao Takahata - Subtitled)
  A look at the children of the atom bomb.

• Black Rain (1989, Michael Douglas)
  Not only do you get to see how cool Japanese guys in suits and sunglasses can be, but if you can understand the equally as cool Osaka-Yakuza dialect, then you will be able to understand anything.

• Kagemusha (1980, Director: Akira Kurosawa)
  The last of the real men in Japan died at Nagashino.

• Double Suicide (1959, director: Masahiro Shinoda)
  America has Baseball, capitalism, and apple pie.  Let's take a look at Japanese ideals.

            The above videos should give you some psychological preparation for what you are in for (particularly Planet of the Apes).  Now head over to the bookstore, and pick up some books:

• Hard-boiled wonderland and the end of the world (Haruki Murakami)
  Japan's answer to Douglas Adams.

• Underground (Haruki Murakami)
  A collection of interviews with victims and people affected by the 1995 Aum Shinrikyo attack on the Tokyo subway.

• Temple of the Golden Pavilion (Yukio Mishima)
  A fictionalized account of the destruction of the Kinkaku-ji temple in Kyoto.  Japanese psychological fiction at its best.

• Patriotism (Yukio Mishima)
  Killing yourself can be patriotic too...

• Under the Gaijin Gaze (Daniel Metraux)
  An examination of the 'failures' of higher education for women in Japan.

• Gaijin! Gaijin! (Kenneth Fenter)
  A true account of a family living in Isahaya, Japan in 1977.  Nice to know that nothing has changed in 20+ years...

• The Myth of Japanese Uniqueness (Peter Dale)
  The title says it all.

            Okay, now you've seen the movies, read the books, and stocked up on deodorant (lacking in most Japanese stores), and are ready to go.  Now ask yourself a question: How bad do I want to learn Japanese?  You need to want it like a boxer wants the heavyweight title, because the Japanese will do all they can to keep you from learning it.  People's reactions will range from ignoring you to insulting you, and yes, "Nihongo ga jouzu desu ne" is an insult.  Japanese love to tell you how wonderful your Japanese is when you can hardly speak it.  The better your Japanese gets, the less you hear it.  If you don't want it with all your heart, you will be mediocre at best, and a liability to those foreigners who do speak Japanese because you will simply be propagating what the Japanese already believe, which is that foreigners can't learn their 'complicated and special' language.  Every conversation you will have in Japan starts like this:

Japanese: Wow, you are the first gaijin I've ever met who speaks Japanese.
Gaijin: Isn't that special.
Japanese: You are from America, have you ever seen anyone shot?  Do you have a gun? Do all Americans carry guns?  Do all Americans wear their shoes to bed?  Do all Americans [put in about 50 of the most ridiculous things you can imagine here]?
Gaijin: [goes through the lengthy and utterly useless process of explaining that the USA isn't like that everywhere, not everyone is the same, various parts of the USA have differing cultures, etc.] and not everyone in Japan is the same, are they?
Japanese: Yes they are, everyone in Japan is the same.
Gaijin: Oh.  Well, anyway, fill it with unleaded.

Part II - The first few months

            Okay, so you've done some soul searching, decided you want to learn Japanese more than anything else in the world, got set up on an exchange program, and are now in Japan.

            Depending on your life experience before going to Japan, you might find yourself in a continual state of culture shock.  This is normal, and will go away fairly quickly, unless you are some sort of sensitive mama's boy (or girl) who can't handle stress or change.  If that is the case, call up mommy, and have her buy you a ticket home.  You aren't going to make it.

            One of the biggest myths is that you will be able to stay away from your English-speaking Gaijin dorm-mates.  It will be impossible, and not recommended.  Pretending you are above hanging out with them will only cause problems later on.  Remember, you will have to be living with these people in close quarters for the next 10-12 months.  Use them to your advantage.  Hang out more with the ones interested in learning the language, and avoid the ones who don't.  Or better yet, if you can make one or two close friends, you will have allies while getting the lay of the land and making connections.  It is far easier to wander around with a friend than on your own.

            Over the first few weeks (assuming you live in a dormitory and not in a home-stay) you need to start getting an idea of the geography, and making connections.  There are a few important places to locate:

·        McDonalds

·        The 'Hyakuen' Shop

·        Daiei

·        The beer machine

·        Mr. Donuts

·        The nearest train station

·        The video store

·        A good, well-lit bar

            McDonalds is a good 'fall-back' for the first few weeks while you figure out what sorts of Japanese food you like.  The Hyakuen shop is the cheapest store in town. You can get soda for less than 130 yen, bread less than 300 yen, and cheap cans of spaghetti sauce. The beer machine is a must for weekend study sessions, or for an after-class (or pre-class) drink.  Daiei is the Japanese equivalent of Wal-Mart, and while a bit more pricey than the 'Hyakuen' shop, it has everything you will need to survive (aside from deodorant).

            You want to find a "Mr. Donuts" Donut shop right away, particularly if you are not going to have a job or any real income while living as a student in Japan (and unless you can get a job that doesn't entail teaching English, don't).  Most Mr. Donuts have a habit of wrapping up all their unsold donuts in a nice, clean garbage bag, and leaving them in the dumpster out back.  You will need a group of at least 3 people for these 'donut runs' - a lookout, and two to search the dumpster as quickly and efficiently as possible.  You might want a toaster oven or a microwave to heat them after you get back, particularly in the wintertime. 

            The train station is so you can get around, and the video store is so that you can get easy access to any English movie you want, and also so you can experience Japanese culture at its finest by marveling at the porno section that takes up 1/3 of the store.

            You will want to find a good bar for a few reasons.  Foremost is that you can't rely on classes to learn Japanese.  If you are going to school in Japan, don't rely on the classes to learn. Get the heck out to the bars, to the beer-busts, the parties, the karaoke gatherings, and TALK TO PEOPLE.  For now, find a nice clean bar, and go in.  Preferably with a friend, and one who can speak some Japanese.  Get to know the bartenders, and the owner.  Go every night if you can, and make sure to let them know you don't need the little bowl of extras with your beer - that will save you at least 200 yen a night.  The bartenders are usually the friendliest people you will meet.  And they can be used to your advantage.  In bars in Japan, people buy other people things all the time.  The bartender knows this, and will introduce you to the richest people in the bar, because it will guarantee him more sales than if you sat alone - gaijin eat notoriously little when the beer costs 600 yen a mug and 3 pieces of karaage for 500 yen.  This is good for two things - free food and drink, and free Japanese practice.  People at bars love to drink.  People who drink love to talk.  People who drink and love to talk will love even more to talk to the gaijin at the bar.  Japanese people who talk to you will buy you food.  They will buy you beer, and they will talk to you.  Most patrons of these places are blue-collar workers. In my experience housepainters, truck drivers, police officers, or fishermen.  None of which speak English or have any interest in learning it.  When they find out you can speak Japanese they'll chat away with you.  The conversation could (or will) get pretty inane, but that's okay considering all the free food you'll get out of it, as well as the Japanese practice. free food means less money you have to spend, meaning you can stick to your ideals, and not have to support yourself teaching English (discussed later).  Just make sure the bar isn't a hang out for other foreigners, particularly English teachers.  Remember, you want to be noticed at the bar.

            Now, you've got the geographical layout of the land.  Time to start making connections in your area.  First, start at school.  In most, if not all, Japanese schools that have foreign students (i.e. Americans, etc.) there is also an English course for Japanese students.  Japanese students of English will do their best to speak to you in English, and very likely the only friends you will make in the first 2-3 months are ones who speak some English.  Watch out for this pitfall.  If you fall in here, it is a tough climb to get out.  Every day you spend speaking English is one more day closer to the date you leave the country.  Therefore, even though you may be forced to start meeting people this way, you want to start branching out as soon as possible.  Stop relying on English as soon as possible, and start ending friendships with the people who are using you as their English practice.

            One group to get in good with are the Okinawan students.  They are used to Americans, and so won't stutter and squirm in your presence.  Also, many of them speak English, but at the same time don't really need or want to bother speaking English to you.  Also, to a 'mainlander' Japanese, the Okinawans are as much of a 'foreigner' as you due to their dark skin and thick hair, and thus they will have a better understanding of your situation than anyone else you will meet.

            The next group you want to search out are the Mormon missionaries.  Don't worry, they are in every town (and no, they probably won't try to convert you).  They have to live as poor, if not poorer, than you do, and have plenty of tips and tricks.  Not only that, but they have been in these towns for years, each group passing on info to the next.  They are wise in the ways of living cheaply, and should be consulted (special thanks to Elder Toogood for the Mr. Donuts info).

            If you must get a Japanese girlfriend right away (oh, and you must) DON'T get one because she can speak English unless she is very intelligent and intellectual.  Unfortunately, most intellectual women in Japan don't speak English, and stay away from foreigners for the most part because they perceive them as playboys in Japan simply to party and get some (and they are usually right). 

            If she speaks English it will get very old after a very short while once your Japanese surpasses her English.  If she is an intellectual you can at the very least have a stimulating conversation with her about how poor your Japanese is and how everyone always wants to speak English to you. 

            If you end up with one of those English speaking girlfriends (or "Eigo Bandits" in the lingo) she will bleed English from you like a leech, taking away your ability to learn Japanese, while she shows you off to all her friends as her pet gaijin.  If you are determined to learn the language and get a girlfriend, it is okay to start out with aforementioned "Eigo Bandit" but you must do so with the realization that her usefulness has its limits, and it is usually a purely physical one. All is fair in love, war, and learning Japanese in Japan.

            On the subject of people trying to speak English to you, DON'T be afraid to be rude.  You don't hesitate to tell homeless scum to take a hike when they ask you for money, and you have no qualms about telling the flower-giving Hari Krishnas on the street corner to go to hell, so why be nice to some Japanese guy who comes up to you out of nowhere to speak poor-ass broken English to you on the local train?  These people are intruding on you.  Understand that.  You have no social responsibility to be nice to someone who comes up to you out of nowhere and starts talking to you in English.  In the USA, when someone randomly starts talking to you on a bus or other form of public transportation, it is usually because they are a stark raving lunatic.  Why treat the aforementioned Japanese person any different?  You are allowing them to intrude on you, and every time you allow them to do so you encourage them to do it TO ME, and I don't like it.

            Another problem you will come across is that people will refuse to believe that you are speaking to them in Japanese.  This sort of thing is brought on by English teachers doing such bonehead things as asking for directions from people in the street in English.  Don't be afraid to be a smartass.  Doing something as stupid as babbling that they don't speak English while you are talking to them in Japanese gives you the right to be a smartass.  If someone refuses to reply to your Japanese and just makes hand signals at you, tell them you don't understand sign language, but you'd like to accomplish whatever task it is you are trying to do.  If they jibber at you that they don't speak English while you are talking Japanese at their face, tell them to use a bigger earwax pick next time because you are talking to them in Japanese.  Pretty basic, common sense stuff.

            Last, but by far not least, DON'T TEACH ENGLISH.  This is the most important, and most basic, because all the pitfalls above are multiplied by about 1000X for the English teacher.  The English teacher is the lap dog of the Japanese.  He will sit, stay and rollover for the Japanese.  His entire purpose of existing is to blanket the people around him with English.

            Most Japanese have learned English from the 'Gaijin English Teacher'.  99% of which cannot speak Japanese and thus confirm the current Japanese belief system that states that foreigners can't speak Japanese, can't grasp the complexities of Japanese culture, and are not really human at all.  I've only seen it from the outside, the way most of us only see cocaine addiction from the outside.  All I know for sure is, IT'S BAD.  DON'T DO IT. Saying, "I want to be an English teacher in Japan" is tantamount to saying "I want to be a drugee when I grow up".  You would be better off selling your soul than becoming an English teacher, because all you will do is propagate the myth of the stupid pathetic foreigner who has lived in Japan eight years and can still only say (with a miserably poor accent) "waTAHshi wa aMERika jin deSUUU".  If you choose to teach English, accept the fact that you are not going to learn Japanese - and just to clue you in, all the friends that you now have because you are an English teacher are only there to show off that they have a 'Gaijin' friend.  Not to mention the fact they now get free English lessons.

            Now, with all that said and done, you should finally be able to hold your own and muddle your way through the last 6 months effectively.  If you have weathered the storm of moronic people on the street, the people in stores, students at your school, and little kids on the sidewalk attempting with all their might to speak to you in English, and other people telling you that foreigners can't learn Japanese because it is so hard, than you have made it.  Congratulations.

-C.E.West spent a year living as a student in the town of Isahaya in Nagasaki, has traveled the length of Japan from Okinawa to Tokyo, and manages to get back to Japan about once a year or so.  He is also the Co-Webmaster of the Samurai Archives Japanese History page, and holds stock in Mr. Donuts.

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